I’m leaving longer between my posts it seems. That’s ok, it has felt right. Since last time we have waved goodbye to Spring and her freshness, newness and life bearing. We are now in early summer, the season that sustains, grows and matures, ready for the ripeness, harvest and gradual slip into decay that autumn brings.

Last Bluebell of Spring

The longest day has only just passed – the pinnacle of the sun’s climb. Now we start the dip back towards darkness. I find taking time to appreciate the cycles of nature helps me appreciate the transience of all things. From the experience of how a strawberry tastes, the sound of a blackbird singing, to our very own lives. While we celebrate the birth of a baby, there is also the truth that this new life will one day die.

This might seem a little maudlin, but acknowledging this reality is actually quite helpful. If we live our lives assuming we are going to live forever, we may never get what we deserve out of the time we do have. That’s not to say we should rush at things quickly or headlong – that way your mind and body don’t take in the experience. We should be able to still our minds enough to be able to feel sensations and emotions connected to that particular moment or event. If possible, unplug our minds from the everyday grind, where things become so habitual you don’t even notice you are doing them. By the end of the week – what do you remember. Do you remember what the food you ate tasted like, what the sensation of being touched is like, what sounds you’ve heard, what beautiful things you’ve seen, or do you just remember the stress? If the latter maybe it’s because you aren’t giving your mind time to be still and be ‘now’. Reducing how much your mind lives in the past and future can be really helpful. The past and future aren’t real. The only real time is now – try to enjoy every moment.

I’ve recently done another Tantra workshop with Skydancer which involved a day celebrating our senses. We did a moving ‘shaking’ meditation – which I must admit, takes me out of my comfort zone. I never particularly look forward to these meditations as I fear I’ll look silly, but Skydancer suggests you wear a blindfold. We all did and in actual fact being able to stand in a room full of people and just shake and then move bits of your body that wanted to be moved is quite liberating!! Another exercise involved being blindfolded, standing in the middle of the other workshop attendees, and falling forwards and backwards and being caught by the others. I really felt uncomfortable doing this so would only move slightly! I suppose that tells me I have a heightened sense of danger and don’t fully trust anyone but myself!

We later indulged in some blindfolded sensory stimulation which isn’t as kinky as it sounds. We dulled out sense of sight to try to sharpen the others. We were touched by various things, fed pleasant tasting things and exposed to lovely aromas and sounds. What I realised is perhaps how visually I eat. I see a strawberry, my brain registers a strawberry, I stick it in my mouth and eat it – swallowed – gone! How many times can I remember what it tasted like? This time I tasted everything, felt how the seeds felt and how shiny the fruit felt on my lips. The taste was registered and savoured. When we finally took off the blindfold I was intrigued by the green stalk and calyx left behind. Normally I would just toss this in the bin. But on this day I looked at it intently – I realised that I could actually see the remains of the flower that had created the fruit. Nice metaphor for other areas of life and perhaps how we look at and consider people – who knows, maybe some of you can apply this to other things.

Among other things, I’ve had a marvellous couple of months. Have spent time with my lovely nephew and become acquainted with my sister’s growing new bump – to be revealed in the autumn. I met up with a precious friend from half way round the world and hope to do so again before he leaves if this is possible. I’ve had a wonderful holiday with Holly – rejuvenating and invigorating. Got to know a part of Spain I’ve never been to before. Felt the sun on my skin and watched the swifts circling overhead and Holly saved a Gecko from the pool. Occasional crankiness from me – think I’ve lived on my own for so long I’m not sure I could even live with a partner full time (may have to have my own wing of a house!). But hopefully I wasn’t too annoying! I did have a bit of a mental meltdown at one point – linked to someone’s insensitive joke. However another day and time and it might not have bothered me too much.

    

 

Have been thinking about children again and whether I should have them or not. Wondering what old age holds for someone on their own (faceless nursing homes, at the mercy of people who don’t know or have that bond with you, or remaining in my own home only to walk up and down pestering busy and uninterested neighbours for company – let’s hope not). I went to see a fortune teller about 8 years ago – in a sceptical frame of mind, only went to accompany a friend who regularly went before making any decisions. This lady told my fortune, told me I’d recently lost a relative due to a disease in the head (aunt, brain tumour), then told me I would in the future meet my King of Hearts – he wouldn’t be what I might expect (I think I have already met him in many ways), then she read my cards and turned over two saying “this is your son, and this is your daughter”. Who knows what that meant really but it is something I always remember and wonder about.

Biologically I have a desire to have a baby – not overwhelmingly so at all, but it is there throbbing away in the background and every now and then nips at me a bit. This would not be possible with Holly and I’ve spoken to him about it. But I think our relationship has deepened and I certainly dread a causing any hurt. We’re going to talk about this soon – that’s one of the amazing things about this relationship – I don’t feel I have to hide anything even if it is a difficult thing. That said this is all presumption. I may not meet anyone and I may never have children – this looks increasing likely as I’m now 2 years away from 40. I think I would cope if I don’t, but there may always be an undercurrent of persistent sadness that I haven’t known what it’s like to have a little warm body cuddle up, or feel a small hand reach out for mine. That said recently I’ve seen the sacrifices people have made for children and I’m not convinced I’d have the energy or how unselfish I’d be.

I think I could really have a good life without children. The freedom would be precious, ability to be very selfish and not have to be responsible for anyone. Probably physically, financially and possibly mentally I’d be healthier?? Of course I firmly believe the fewer humans on the planet the better for the sake of our world – so I’d be doing something I advocate. I have a wonderful family and am blessed with wonderful friends as mentioned in previous posts. I can go where I like, when I like, get up when I like at weekends, go to the gym, go on holiday etc. And I’m not sure I’m cut out for holidays to Disneyland, and think I’m probably too old fashioned to want to accept my child would spend a lot of time doing digital things. My ideal would be to have them skipping through a meadow on a sunny day, picnicking, pond dipping and climbing trees!

But more frequently I’m struck with a feeling of futility – “what’s the point” etc. Many of my patients go through treatment because they have children to think of – if I was ever in their position in the future I may not have that necessarily, which begs the question of whether I would bother, knowing what that treatment would mean – but perhaps that’s a blessing in disguise.

I also think there is an undercurrent of low value put upon older people in western societies. I’m not old – but I’m getting older, as we all are, and if we look around our society – a woman’s value is still very much demarked by her looks (media, plastic surgery, body image issues), her youthfulness (how many skin creams can you buy?, how many roles are there for older actresses?), her sex appeal and fertility. I feel and look better now than ever in my life, but as these things wane for me how valued will I remain? Hopefully as long as I value myself I’ll be ok – but these things are very real issues and pressures for women – and perhaps for men too, although I’m probably not so qualified to comment on that (although I’ve been working on supressing the beard for years ;-).

We perhaps need to work harder to shift the focus of a woman’s worth from sexual appeal to men, to all the other amazing attributes the feminine carries with her. Hopefully our daughters can be taught this gradually and learn that they are more than just a blank face free from wrinkles, or legs free from fat. All of my female friends are amazing women in their own right.  They all stand out as very special (in the traditional sense!) people for one reason or other, and I count myself as very honoured to know them all. Western society sometimes thinks it’s freer than others, but in reality some of the more binding things are so ingrained that we no longer notice the tethers. I’m hoping to do a women only Tantra workshop soon – watch this space for more ponderings!!

Perhaps appropriate issues / dilemma to be thinking about at the turn of the year – things are constantly changing, both to us and around us. What does that mean for us? How will those changes make us feel? I find it therapeutic to try to accept feelings and run with them now, rather than trying to run away from them, because they can kind of keep up! It’s easier to work things out like this and regain some stillness and contentedness.

I hope you all had a happy Summer Solstice. I hope you can be still enough at times to really live and feel the lighter and lovelier things in your own reality. Remember although the light is already starting to wane and darkness pushing back into our lives, the sun is kind of a the start of its journey back to us next year. Yipee!

Light and Dark on the longest day – Summer Solstice 2015

Tips for this post – some taken from recent workshop:

• Slow down.
• Find time to stand still and just be (Yin) rather than constantly doing (Yang) – even if for five minutes at lunch break, focus your mind on what is happening now. What can you hear? See? Feel on your skin?
• Find time to touch yourself and feel how lovely you are – are you really aware of what your arm feels like? We rarely touch ourselves other than to wash it clean, or perhaps criticize ourselves – not so positive.
• Try eating something with your eyes closed – don’t just gobble it, take your time, use your sense of touch as well as taste, and see if this makes a difference.
• Have a non-screen day. Don’t watch TV, don’t look at computer screens, if possible don’t or limit phone screen looking/dwelling. I recently did it for a day and really felt so much better – stiller, clearer head and better thought processes without the polluting screen traffic clouding my crystal clarity!
• Get outside for some exercise if you can – a walk is nice.

P.S three of my grafted apple trees have worked – one even has one solitary fruit on it. Small but perfectly formed and becoming rosy with each day – very pleased with myself!