Well it’s been a long time since my last post. Sometimes a pause from something is good. So many things have happened within the world since I last wrote.

A walk with Holly along the banks between the river Colne and the Huddersfield Narrow Canal – as if a sign, the banks were actually adorned with real holly, splendid in green and with some red still flashing between the leaves. Narrow bridges – how on earth do canal boats get through those! A bridge near an old mill which still bore three furrows; two from the passage of both wheels on many carts that passed over it, and the third, in the middle from the plodding hooves of horses pulling them. There was a wonderful bakery-collective at one end of the walk. On the way back in an early Spring sky, turning azure into indigo, a light chill descending and touching our skin, a single star shines brightly and witnesses a pure, lingering and loving embrace.  Then on to the pub for half a pint and then a walk to the healing place and the warm sanctuary it holds.

For me it has been a better time. Enjoying now. Feeling the joy of living in the moment. Spending time with my nephew that is so precious, as he grows and passes his second birthday. Spending time with all family and friends. I finally bought a DVD from the little boy who often sells things outside his home on the other side of the river Aire. Bless him – young but a very brave salesman – “would you like to look at my sale” – most times I have no money on me, but today I did – so I’ve bought a DVD I didn’t need, but it was only for 50p and I don’t begrudge it. A lovely holiday happened with a new friend and exploration of a volcanic island. We hired a car and risked driving on the other side of the road! Visited most of the island, saw some beautiful coastlines, deep blue Atlantic waves crashing onto black cliffs, landscapes that looked like the moon – vast swathes of old lava flows, which must have been terrifying when they were happening, cacti and small succulent plants with star like flowers – just showing how tenacious life can be! tall volcanoes which were reminiscent of Mordor, tranquil marinas, ate fried fish by the sea, tried prickly pears for the first time, we were accidently flashed by a naked man putting his bathing trunks on and saw one of the most brilliant natural optical illusions in a cave. I remember the fertility symbols unique to the island – models of a man with penis and a woman with an opening – they looked a bit like Morph!!! The tale goes if a man fancied you he would send you his ‘morph with a penis’ if you fancied him back you’d send your lady morph back to him!

Our hotel was nice, populated mainly by older guests with some real characters including two people who used motability scooters reminiscent of Madge from the UK series Benidorm. There was one lovely old man who walked with a stick who really reminded me of the main character from the cartoon film ‘Up’. We were there for the solar eclipse. Our ‘animation (mistranslation of entertainment) team’ consisting of one man called Mark, had made some eclipse viewing apparatus out of an array of shoe boxes, tinfoil and a penknife. They looked a bit Blue Peter – however I think they would have worked quite well had the eclipse itself not been eclipsed by a rather large and inconvenient cloud!! A group of us including the ‘Up’ man had got up at the crack of dawn hoping to grab a glimpse of the event. We stood there for a about 45 minutes, wondering if the wind that had been so present the previous few days would whip up and blow the cloud away. Alas it didn’t really happen. ‘Up’ man gave up before us, waved his stick and said he was off for breakfast – just as he rounded the corner of his apartment block the sun bloody came out with a tiny sliver of eclipse left. I didn’t see it as it was too bright to look at. Poor ‘Up’ man, sod’s law – still you can’t win it all and I’m sure he had a good breakfast!

We also visited one of the old capital towns – complete with a pagan like ritual where young men dress up with a bull mask on, and a very creepy ‘artistic’ garden. This garden consisted of concrete statues and perversely arranged old things – semi-burnt dolls, teddies, mannequins with dummies strung up in trees, old TVs, shoes. As our eyes scanned the array of ‘dead’, unwanted things they eventually came to rest unnervingly on something alive – an old man sat stock still on a plastic chair at the back of the garden. It turns out he was the artist, but it terrified me and I nearly regretted not wearing brown trousers that day!

I’m continuing the process of feeling better in life. Holding myself precious and finding contentment in what I have, not anxiety in what I don’t have. I still have times of doubt, restlessness and tears, but these are more easily borne and don’t seem to last as long as they did. I used a mixture of the things I’ve learnt this past year – from Katie the therapist (holding myself and my worth dear, tapping, viewing things differently), Holly the lover (going for what I want, loving in the moment without worrying about ‘what ifs’, being more exacting in what I deserve from a lover, and learning how tender a man can be and at the same time desiring me sexually), Skydancer (better direction, ability to examine what I’m feeling and why) and above all the wonderful support of friends and family (they all know who they are). I know that there isn’t a life on Earth without hard times and sadness, but that they can mostly be manageable and once through them you can receive the lighter times with a sharper appreciation.

Yesterday I spent time at the healing place mentioned above with one sister and a friend. What a wonderful afternoon. To step out of the rush and just stop is invaluable but harder than you might think. I had an Indian head massage with some chakra work. I must admit I wasn’t a great believer in ‘chakra stuff’ although I was open minded. I have to say the chakras that the therapist felt weren’t at their best were my throat (ability to speak/communicate about something) and solar plexus (sense of personal power and control). With some thought both were spot on.

Throat: Of course I had suppressed speaking about my past abuse for a long time so maybe some residue of this in my throat. We also discussed if I had attachments to Holly. I think there I do have an attachment. Not in a traditional life partner sense, as this is not possible for various reasons. However there is love towards him in a non traditional sense, and in a sense that is adequate for me, and I wonder if I have been frightened to voice this to him in particular. Not known if this would be a welcome thing or not. I will be seeing him soon and will talk about it.

Solar Plexus: Recently I had discussed moving in with someone. However I have worked out I would save more moving into a house share and have been frightened to go ahead with this for fear of upsetting her. I have not focussed on prioritising my personal power to enable this and go ahead with what is best for me. Now I’ve identified what is causing the anxiety I’ve been feeling recently, I can hopefully take hold of the power I always have access to, and use it to do what is best for me and my savings plan.

Of course these past few weeks have not been have brought some people great worry and sadness. 3 friends have lost a thing that was supremely precious or wanted. None deserved or did anything to deserve these happenings, all three are the nicest of people. Bad luck, that’s all, a bit of life that has been quite frankly crap and unfair for them. At work 2 soul-mates riven apart by illness which did not wish to let go of one half of the two. Another dear friend is going through an uncertain time of worry and waiting. A plane full of people crashed into a mountain by a co-pilot who had mental health problems. What made him carry this out nobody will ever know. I just hope mental illness does not become driven further underground or become more taboo than it is at the moment because of this. I flew from a warm place 2 days before the crash – I’m not a great flier anyway. I had a thought as I often do when I fly – what if we crash, what if I die. After the crash I had a realisation – the question is never a subjunctive ‘what if…’ the question is always an indicative ‘when’. It’s the only thing that is certain for us all, we can never be entirely sure when the ‘when’ will happen. I think this concept sits a bit more comfortably with me than it did. Not that I have any plans to kick the bucket any time soon – and hope I have a bit further to go, but I hope that if the time did come sooner than I hope that I can at least be satisfied that I’ve started to live my life and bask in the lovely things I see, do, hear, taste, touch now and in the moment. It might be gone in a blink.

But even as the events above brought death, trauma and sadness into sharp relief, Winter was laying down it’s crystalline crown for another year and Spring had picked up hers woven with snowdrops, croci, yellow daffodils, frog spawn, buttery primroses, eggs in nests, fox cubs, freshly unfurled leaves, hares, lone queen bumble bees searching for a nest, the first butterflies on the wing, mallards mating, geese arriving from winter grounds, golden celandines, white stars of anemone and wild garlic. This crown will fade, and we will mourn, but it will be replaced in due course by late Spring’s bluebells, mayflower, ducklings, chicks, foxgloves and swifts. I very much look forward to seeing it and hope to approach the changes about to happen in my life with a more open heart and mind!