Well already a couple of weeks into the new year. Sad things happening in the world still. Massacre in Paris and a man beaten in Saudi Arabia, a massacre of Muslims in Africa by their Christian neighbours. Victims of unenlightened religion. In the face of religious extremist currently afflicting our planet – most visibly, but not exclusively, of the Islamic variety, I’ve been wondering whether in fact it is a good thing I don’t have children in the current climate. Humanity has the ability to extend great love, peace, justice and well being across the world. However time and time again this is usurped by warped ideology. Young people, often men (and increasingly women), without a purpose or sense of their own masculinity find a purpose within misogynistic tyranny – why? because they are so insecure within their own being, threatened by others, and probably women in particular, that they have to find some way of regaining control over others – when really what they need is to regain control over themselves. I’ve made an observation – and that’s all it is, an observation not fact, that often British Muslim converts are red haired. Which section of British society are often marginalised and parodied (irrationally according to me) – ginger people. Interesting and illustrative correlation don’t you think. Not that I’m saying the Western World is perfect – of course it isn’t – we waste food and resources on vulgar levels, we are unhealthy, we hold on to the majority of wealth and exploit poorer nations to ridiculous proportions. Does anyone give a thought to who mined the diamond in your ring? swam in mercury filled pools to pan for the gold in it? whether people are paid enough to even eat for producing our rice? the horrendous human rights abuses going on in our oil rich Gulf state friends and in China (we can’t offend them too much because we depend on them or make too much money via trade), which child sat in awful conditions and sewed the buttons onto our cheaply produced clothes, think of the agony the animal endured when it was skinned alive in China to provide fur for our coats, gloves etc. However regressing into a world of torture, ignorance, oppression and darkness is not an option and fundamentalism (religion is just a vehicle for this) is a huge threat to us all which needs to be and will be erased. However perhaps it will prompt us to also look at ourselves and shadow selves with new sight in order to improve the way we live and eliminate the need for anger and violence.

Anyway away from world politics on a smaller level, I’ve seen some lovely things out in my part of the world. Driving across the moors to visit my friend down the Valley and up on the Hill, the sky was blue but what cloud there was, was peppering the world with hail and sleet. The pale cream light of the January sun made any icy patches glisten and shine. Perfect snow drop weather I thought – although there are none to see on the ground where I am at present.

Two weeks ago I went for a walk up on the Moor which looks protectively over the valley, river and canal where I live. I wrapped up, with hat, and gloves and sturdy boots – on reflection my bobble hat made me look a bit like Wally from the Where’s Wally series! Some beautiful sights, if not me, and although the cold was nibbling at fingers, the sun was just strong enough to bring a delicious warmth to my face and hands and was very comforting on my back.
I sometimes think some of the best things in life are some of the simplest – feeling the warmth of the sun or fire when you are really cold, a cool breeze on your neck when it’s sweltering hot, a drink when you are parched, food when you are really hungry, a wee when you are bursting!

During my walk I saw swans and ducks on the canal and fed them some old bread and stale cinnamon buns I had made that weren’t a success. On the way along the canal I looked at the cement paving stones in the section near the Mill – Jack Frost had kissed them and created the most delicate and beautifully unique patterns. The sky was blue and I could see an aeroplane trail. As a child I used to think these fluffy long sky serpents were Jack Frost – I used to look up at him and wonder how he got the ice all the way down here. But here’s a photo to show his works of art:

Up on the Moor I noticed people were taking part in a race – reading maps and clicking in at various checkpoints / GPS things – no idea what they were really! I took some time to stay up there and looked at the big flat stones which have cup and ring marks on them – funny to think how long people have lived or been coming up here. The countryside centre opposite the Moor remains closed – victim of council cost savings unfortunately. What a waste I thought – it’s a lovely house with land which could be maintained.

As I walked back towards home I noticed the sun playing on the canal – I noticed 5 swan feathers in a row and thought it looked nice. Wonder if the swan was moulting, or if it had a scuffle and lost them, or if they came loose as it took flight. Who knows?

I’ve enjoyed doing this blog and while I mention people who are in my life. I don’t wish to cause them any trouble – hence the plant pseudonyms. The name choices aren’t random – they all have a meaning behind them which is private to me.

I mentioned Rhododenron in a previous post – just briefly. Since we have mentioned shadow selves, maybe now is the right time to mention him, my relationship that was to him, and what my thoughts are about it.
Rhododenron replies from time to time – but only in a way that avoids developing a conversation. He never was very good at communication. Met him when I lived in ‘Mithras city’ (also a pseudonym for a large British conurbation). He invited me to buy him dinner (as a joke), I went out to dinner with him and things went from there. Initially he lavished me with text messages – I was the most special woman, lovely, he couldn’t get enough of me, got a message every time I woke up. Rhododenron is one of the most admired and skilled specimens in his patch of woodland. Renowned for brightening any woodland get-together, frequenting clubs that entertained with naked bark, no need for any partnering flora, undying loyalty to the plant from which his cutting was taken – a projected self to suggest his life is all he could want. But I know he has a shadow self – even if he didn’t reveal it entirely to me. I could see it. Of course a Rhododenron would have a shadow self – with such thick foliage how could he fail to have. We all have one. A part of us where we store and suppress feelings, fears, memories which, for countless reasons, we can’t accept or allow to live as a true part of us which is seen by others.
He once let his guard down and revealed a tiny glimpse into it. ‘You won’t forget me, will you?’ came the tortured request during one of the first nights I chose to spend with him. A fear of being left alone, a desire to keep someone close, but at the same time a frank inability to do this and allow attachments to develop and show the kindness of his heart.. Desire to have a relationship and the fear of being alone firmly secreted within his Shadow Self. No I won’t forget you Rhododenron. Unfortunately for me remembering him has entwined with a lot of upset that I allowed him to cause.

Ours was a relationship which he only permitted to exist between us two. “Don’t tell anyone (you haven’t told Narcissa, Henbane or Viper’s Bugloss have you?” more about that toxic triad in future posts) – “I’m a very private Rhododenron” he said. “I don’t want anyone to know”. Communication was only allowed by text message. I was permitted to be in his company for a few hours per week. I soon began to tire of this as the relationship was not developing beyond the superficial, and I appeared to be less and less of a delight to him than something he had to ‘fit in’.

Eventually I moved away to take a better job – the last time I could spend with Rhododenron for a while was a Friday evening. I was permitted to come to him in the evening. Spent a few hours – then around 7am I was woken and told in not so many words to leave as he had planned to go out with some significant other Rhododenrons. So I just had time to look at him as he virtually pushed me out from his habitat – I could see him fighting his shadow self in his eyes. Despite this he said he was very keen to keep our ‘relationship’ going. I moved away and returned to Mithras city the following weekend for a party – he was unable to see me that weekend, with valid cause – he told me he was ‘gutted’ he had missed me. The next week a mutual acquaintance guessed I was going out with Rhododenron, I told him – afterall what was so problematic about people knowing you are in a relationship with someone? What followed was an attempt by him to completely annihilate me from his life. Did he dump me because he was ashamed to be connected to me? In the brief 6 months we’d been an item I had only been introduced to one foreign friend, no family.
Anyway no reply to any text, would not answer my phone calls – even when I left very distressed voice mails, and felt suicidal – I told him about my past and why I was finding this break up so difficult.. Over the next few months I tried to at least get an answer as to why he behaved this way – I’d have accepted being dumped and have moved on far more quickly had he given me some valid explanation -to go from being begged not to forget someone, to then completely not existing for them is quite frankly not a normal state of affairs, so excuse my difficulty accepting it.

His reaction was commensurate with me having done something terrible, or with him being married etc – which he assured me he wasn’t – certainly no evidence of a wife in his immediate environment. I received no answer other than when I turned up at his on Halloween (yes I like to pick my times!) last year. All he would say is that he is a very private person. I’m sure he is, but I believe now this is his weapon against his shadow self becoming too strong a force within him. He can stamp out any relationships before they really started, because how can you hope to have a relationship which is completely hidden – who would be accepting of that unless you have something to hide – in Rhododenron’s case the hidden thing was that part of himself – the desire for something he fears will eventually hurt him. Reflecting previous experience of being left alone and in small way betrayed by those he loved when he was vulnerable, although they were doing what they thought was the best at the time. If this hypothesis is at all true – I have my own similar event in my experience and can sympathise in my own way.
I can’t do anything to change the above for Rhododenron, and I guess if he can supress his shadow self sufficiently he’ll manage to live out his life happily by himself and have no regrets in that moment before everything goes dark. He may well read this ( I have invited him too so he can tell me if he believes I’ve been unfair in my account) and think I’m entirely wrong in my missive. Or he may eventually allow his unique shadow self some space to grow and find that he can make up for lost time.  I think he could have a lot to offer someone, in whatever form that relationship may take.

As regards me I probably wouldn’t have got to the point of being hurt by him had I been more in control of what I wanted – if you remember I wasn’t satisfied with what Rhododenron had to offer in a relationship, and yet I still put up with it, accepted it, – I wonder how long I’d have let it go on. That was me suppressing shadow self – my desire to be directive to a man, take control and responsibility for my own well being within.

I’ve mentioned Holly in previous post – he is a new lover. I don’t know how long he’ll be in my life, and I don’t see him very often. However he has been a big part of helping me to learn to take only what I want from a relationship, to be directive and only give to the other partner if I want to do it – not because I think I should. He is patient, gentle, loving in the moment and my goodness has stamina. My pleasure is the key. It has been important in building on what I have done in therapy – learning not to constantly be thinking about how I can please others, learning to love myself and place worth on myself (in and out of sexual relationships). Can I just say the sex has been mind-blowingly good – like nothing I’ve ever experienced before, I’ve actually had orgasms which are better than the ones I give myself. I’ve learnt what really works for me and to ask for it. It would be easy to say that all my previous sexual partners have been very bad lovers – and in some senses they probably weren’t that great. However I think the biggest factor was me – putting up with bad, boring and let’s be honest, sometimes painful sex, and feeling like I need to do things to please my partner, maybe never helping them out by telling them what I wanted them to do – men aren’t psychic and vice versa.

Oak told me last year that he thought I needed to forget about sexual relationships and focus on myself. At first he seemed right – however my own truth is that I needed to focus on myself and as part of that focus has been on developing a healthier relationship with myself and starting with positive sexual experiences, has really helped. After all my first and premature abusive sexual experiences were not at all healthy. Over the last few months and occasional encountered with Holly, I’ve reclaimed my body, but more importantly my mind as my own. Now I’m able to do that I’m looking forward to experiencing a future filled with pleasure and contentment which I’m in control of.

When I first heard the word ‘shadow self’ it sounded like a concept that should be full of negatives, evil and darkness. Of course it can be full of these things – dependant on the person, but for me I think if you can bring yourself to engage with it, deal with the painful aspects that it brings with it – there is likely to be aspects in there that can enrich your life, what a pity to keep them in the shade forever.