Well it’s 2015. A New Year. 2014 now just the past. For many an awful year – people falling from the sky, politicians creating wars and angry men with beards hijacking a religion to try to spread tyranny and evil.  For me a mixed year – whilst one where I was very depressed at times, also one where I found the strength to forge a way forward.

During this festive time – from the beginning of December, past the Solstice to New Year’s day, today, I’ve been doing a lot of travelling. Travelling to see beloved family and precious friends who are my guiding lights. We had snow on Boxing day. A few days of ice and haw frosts leaving sparkling icing on pavements, branches and fallen leaves. Driving along the M62 I noticed the solitary black shapes of rooks foraging among the white and grey ice on the hard shoulder. I’ve always liked corvids – unfairly thought to be bad luck or associated with bad things and death. However they are very intelligent birds and quite social.  I thought about how hard life must be for them here – out on the wild hills of the dales and Saddleworth moor – but they are fantastic problem solvers and resourceful.  So although cloaked in black like chief mourners, the birds looked like sentries or guardians of the way I was going – almost heralding the death of the old year and the dawning of a new. I was very pleased to see them.

Later I saw a flooded field full of swans – big white lumbering birds. Couldn’t see from the road what type they were though. The scene reminded me of the Ugly Duckling story – I used to have read it yourself version – always thought the illustrations were slightly wistful!

Today’s drive was windy and blustery and wet – I can hear the wind whipping round the old mill chimney as I type now. Tall bare winter trees buffeted around. The sort of weather which moves things on however unsettling it may be.

I’m tired today – due to too much frivolity last night. But I’ve had a really lovely December. I’ve spent time with all my close family and my little nephew who is a shining star. This year has brought me closer to all of them I feel and hope. I appreciate what wonderful people I have and how much I love them all.

I’ve also seen most of my best and good friends. Ticky T, Minigoat, James, Dodge, Sarah Wellings, Don, Pannie. All of you have been such positive influences for me. Others I’ll hopefully catch up with soon. I love you very much.

I have another EMDR session tomorrow. My therapist is fabulous and the work we’ve done and I’ve done has been very effective. The relief of feeling the change and being more in control is wonderful. Although I’ve had a little stall over the Christmas period, I staying focussed on the important people in my life, what I want out of life, and how much I’m worth. Over the last few months I’ve learnt to look after the little girl I was and carry her with me in my heart. This is a very good thing and although heart-wrenching at first because I had to confront the fact that actually it was me that was neglecting myself, I feel much more warmth to ‘me’ now! I’m well aware that this process is ongoing and I hope I can document these things in my posts for as long as I need to do this.

As well as my long term friends – new people have come into my life who have been positive. Two via two tantra workshops I took part in – which despite my initial cynicism I actually got a lot out of. The leader – ‘Skydancer’ is extremely intriguing woman – not led at all by what is expected to happen or what she is expected to want – led by her soul. She teaches love and the real meaning of that – how to look inwardly when you are expressing love. Then there is ‘Holly’ – he has played a particularly important role in teaching me what I should expect and deserve in any future male partners – whether they be in the long or short term. He allowed me to learn to take as well, rather than just give. That has been hard and I must admit I still find it uncomfortable at times – I suppose it will take some time to undo the programming. I am hoping to build on my relationship with both as time goes on, and take on the positive things and learn to better love myself. I guess we talk about ‘other halves’ – I didn’t think I’ve ever really subscribed to that – but I guess at some level I was. In truth each of us are our ‘whole’. We should be able to love others and enjoy being loved back, but not depend on this. We should be able to step back into ourselves and feel the same pleasure and joy about loving just ourselves and the life we have, as when we externalise our love.  After all every relationship will end one day – whether that be through break up, death, illness etc – the only enduring relationship we will have to our very ends is with ourselves. I’ve never looked at it that way before – I’ve had a real fear of dying alone recently, knowing I may never have children (not that I’d have them just to crowd round my death bed!) – but you won’t die alone if you have a good relationship with yourself.

So yes what a year – all in all ending more positive than it started. Death of two grandparents at the beginning, including the abuser, finding a way to get to New York for the big cancer conference, when I started off thinking I’d never get there, letting go of Rhododendron, meeting Oak, letting go of Oak, starting therapy and making progress. Finding new respect and care for myself, and above all appreciation for the wonderful people who already grace my life.

So no resolutions per se – I never make them really. But I think I’ll be doing a stock take of what is in my life at the moment and what doesn’t need to be there. A bit like taking out the rubbish – it’ll only get smelly if you leave it!

Songs to go with this post:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfJeQDkz4JU (Annie Lennox – Shining Light)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q770wceGxK8 (Bic Runga – Winning arrow)

Art to accompany the post:

https://www.etsy.com/listing/98688009/winter-guardians?ref=shop_home_active_9 (by Karen Davis – one of my favourite artists and bloggers)