Hello again. Here we are in the last month of Autumn already. A whole sun cycle passed since I started writing this blog almost. This time last year I was having my therapy and doing a lot of healing. What a good year this has been and has shown me how things can turn around. From being depressed to feeling normal again and at the helm of my life, give or take fate. I appreciate my friends, close ones and family more than ever now. Funny at this winding down time of year there have been lots of people at work and their families facing the end of life, or lives changed forever. More than ever this highlights the need to live for now and make the most of the good things we have. At risk of sounding maudlin in truth no one knows when ‘today’ will be their last – when the Russian plane came down this week this is what I thought. Sometimes that concept of one minute here and vital, and the next gone and dead is really hard for my brain to cope with – like when I think about how far space goes on. Nothing we can do about either concept but enjoying the experiences and people we have now is generally a good way of living! I have very little of the unsettling emotions connected to Rhododendron and Oak left. They have been gradually replaced by well meaning emotions and this feels much better.

The land has been very beautiful this autumn. Trees are spectacular in fiery reds, russets, oranges, yellows and, ironically, some spring green colours. I’ve made sure I’ve got out into all of this at various times.

     A solo walk in the valley wood Hardcastle Craggs – beautiful place in a valley, with a soothing rustle of a stream, gentle warmth of autumn sun on my face. The pond by the mill. Vibrant auburn colours now replacing the magentas of the fox gloves and heather in mid and late summer.

Another solo trip to what I think of a secret garden in a way – somewhere I visited in Spring with a dear friend when daffodils were radiant and cherry trees resplendent in delicate pink blossom. What a contrast now! Rich and warm colours. Chilly but not too cold. Was greeted on a terrace by some busy Guinea Fowl. I sat on a bench and looked down into a valley/ravine and shared my seat with a small banded snail who decided to make his way into a gap in the wood – quite beautiful in his moisture!  I managed to touch a bullrush and was surprised to find it was velvet soft – I had imagined it would be rough – probably due to seeing too many cartoons as a child where they were used as loofahs! I saw a fish serenely swim from the shallows of a pool and disappear into the darker part in the middle.

I recently went on a day out into the dales to a local geological feature with Holly. A beautiful place and the site of a waterfall many, many years ago. Just trying to imagine it back then, with water rushing over the rocks and down into the valley – possibly with pterodactyls flying overhead! Well what a beautiful day – could be mistaken for thinking it was mid June if it weren’t for the early vanishing of the sun over the horizon. Another wonderful day of tenderness and connection to nature.

Have had some lovely time spent with family – with mum and also dad and others. There has also been a new arrival – very beautiful and new. I look forward to getting to know her over time. Also still revelling in the time I can spend with my nephew who is growing so much – after his sister was born he said ” when’s your baby coming out?” – I had to say I didn’t know, and would have to meet a daddy first. He was happy with that response I think and continued to tell me his was going to come out in a few weeks time!

I’ve had a recent negative experience with a friend which ended in break down of our friendship. In times gone by I’d have felt more guilty than I do, I know my role but that I wasn’t the catalyst in the argument. I am aware she isn’t well in all aspects at the moment – different upbringings but like me an experience of abuse – and she is struggling to free herself from that. I genuinely hope she can find her way out and know at least she is having the right type of therapy now.

But in general I’ve had other really precious experiences shared with friends. One was a feast of dance by an all male troupe. I’m still in awe over how they perfectly meld together strength and masculinity with utter feminine ballerina grace! This is the second time I’ve seen them and hope to see them again! Both me and my friend laughed loads – one particular sequence reminded us of a trip to a modern art display in Auckland years ago which had us howling with laughter over a man in a bear suit moving tin cans around and a solitary shoe in a glass box!

In the same week I also spent a really lovely time with another friend – gazing down a burnished copper valley not too far from here, drinking wine, eating good food and enjoying lovely company – what a day. Sun burn at the end of October!!!

Tonight is bonfire night. I’ve always enjoyed a bonfire and firework display – although when you think in depth about what we are commemorating it does turn my stomach a little – I prefer to think of it as a celebration of life than a celebration of the torture and execution of a man hundreds of years ago! I also hope everyone checks their bonfires for Hedgehogs before lighting them – with any luck there won’t be many tucked up in them due to the mild weather. Feed them cat food not milk. They are really quite endangered due to human behaviour and I find that sad.

I haven’t gone to a bonfire display tonight as it’s raining – but I’m hoping to go to one soon with my younger sister and am looking forward to it. I always remember going to the big Army organised firework displays as a child – I always refused to hold sparklers despite their pretty light, as I was frightened of them burning me, and when the fireworks went off I used to hide my head under my dad’s arm as I thought the sparks would rain down on my head and burn me. I thought of that today and spared a thought for any child who is living in a place at war where there is a very real possibility that things more lethal than fireworks may rain down upon them.

Although the days are getting darker and the weather has been ‘dreek’ at times, I haven’t been too sad at these changes this year. Instead I’ve celebrated light when I can, got outside to look at the world and enjoyed love and friendship where it is offered. And they are all happy nice things which will bring us through the darker times in life which may descend from time to time. I look forward to attending a light art installation this month, a week in the north with a friend at the beginning of the next and a train trip to see Santa with my nephew –  I will no doubt tell you about these experiences as they come to pass.