Well this week I’ve felt the true bite of Winter. A few days in Scotland in the Highlands. Every morning, apart from today as I travel back by train, has greeted me with a silver mantel and a kiss as cool as the Snow Queen. The silver coat of winter can be numbing. Removing feelings both good and bad. It’s the time when things die to make way for the new. While I half expected my feet to feel numb, I felt strangely invigorated by the chill. Although it is a dark time of year I feel decidedly more positive than this time last year. This time last year or thereabouts,  I sat in my kitchen with a bread knife wondering what it would be like to cut into  my wrists. The black dog of depression was firmly on my heel. It followed me wherever I went and held any joy, happiness or love for myself at bay. It curled its foul lip and bore it’s yellow craggy canines at people who cared, so I couldn’t find any way of connecting to them. Instead I tried to reach out to Rhododendron ( more about him in later posts). But despite my tears and sobs into his voice mail Rhododendron would not spare me any time because he was at a dinner in with colleagues.

A phone call did come around 12.30am. Luckily I was asleep but I could have been dead. I wonder if this would have affected him terribly much?
Of course it would have devastated my family, friends and some colleagues, especially as they had no idea just how low I was feeling. I didn’t really intend to act on those feelings or I’d have just done it. But no one just thinks like that for attentions sake. It’s always because they need help, their emotional pain is so huge and have no idea how else to show it.
No one chooses to be depressed.

Until last year I had no idea what real acute depression was like. Absolutely no idea. I don’t think anyone can appreciate it until you’ve felt it and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. You feel so out of control of your emotions and it’s hard for people who aren’t depressed to cope with someone who is. Not only does it feed on joy like a ‘Dementor’, it can also put you in touch with your own secrets which have been carefully suppressed over time and that’s not comfortable for anyone. We are socially programmed to only be allowed to acknowledge positive emotions. Almost like if we recognise sadness or anger it will weaken us in some way. But things that are buried decay and leave space for the ground to fall in behind them. If enough is buried you could be looking at a landslide. Likely Rhododendron couldn’t cope with what was happening and was unable to offer me the friendship I was looking for. Even though I wasn’t,  I felt alone and hopeless. Depression also blinds you.

But my eyes are very much alive and reflecting the bright blue Scottish sky a year on from all that. Thank god. I’m more alive in my present now and able to share the joy of seeing a vibrant Robin hop onto the decking. An adorned male pheasant chugging up between the lodges. Small tits (no smart comments) flitting from branch to branch. Cars were scraped and the weak gold of the Winter sun gradually caused the frost upon the hills to turn into steam. This looked strange as we drove past the golf course in Gleneagles on the way to Crieff two days ago. I thought about how old the hills are and how short our lives are and how lovely it is to be alive.

I have had an enjoyable few days with my friend, her mum and sister. Relaxing. Trips to Crieff and Auchterarder. Lunch in nice pubs and cafes. Never over ate. Lots of tea. I hankered after a beautiful tweed coat in Valentines  in Crieff. Sounds a bit old fashioned but it was beautifully tailored in 1940s style so just up my street. However it was 350 pounds so was left in situ so to speak!

Now I’m on the train back to the North East to spend some time with my dad before he goes to spend Christmas in Australia.
I’m also going to see my mum. My lovely mum who I left on Monday going to the doctor to ask for therapy as well. How could I not have seen that she and her sisters ( and countless other little girls/children no doubt) had also been victims of my grandfather. He who had died at 90 from a burst aneurysm and had someone with him when he died. He who had never acknowledged what he had done and how he had damaged lives. And my grandmother who must have known but did nothing for who knows what reason.
That’s why I keep contacting old boyfriends over the past couple of years after being dumped. I wanted them to say sorry and acknowledge they had hurt me. Although of course this is just acting out what should have come from my granddad.
Hopefully my mum will find the therapy helps. Never too late to start, even if she’s had longer than me to bury things.

We are powering along the north sea coast. I can see the sea. I love the sea and Northumberland is one of my favourite places. I managed to see the Kelpies from the train windows when we were still in Scotland.
The world has put her Silver Mantel away for today and donned greyer garb. However I feel as if I’m moving forward. Therapy is definitely making a difference and moving it to fortnightly has most definitely given me time to reflect and gain clarity. I didn’t sleep well last night as I kept thinking about Oak Tree and Rhododendron. In thinking about them I tapped into a lot of hurt and feelings of betrayal again. The feelings come from within me. However innocent or guilty they are in how much or little respect they showed me, these chaps were a place for me to earth these feelings.

But I guess these sorts of nights will get fewer and eventually stop. I’m learning through my time with Holly (more about him later) that I deserve more than I’ve been allowing myself.

Anyway tip time:
A nice idea for a small gift for someone. I bought one of these from our local cancer charity and think they are a wonderful idea. A good and meaningful present even if you can’t afford much:
Happiness Bags:
You’ll need a small organza draw string bag or similar (maybe from craft shop)
Put the following in it:

A marble- for the days when you feel like you’ve lost yours.
A piece of string to hold it all together when things seem to be falling apart.
A small fabric or cut out paper heart- to remind you someone loves you.
A small fabric or paper cut out teddy bear- for a nice hug when you need one.
A small erazer- to make all the little mistakes go away.
A candle (birthday) -to brighten your day.
A coin- so you’ll never be broke.

Write the above list on a gift card and attach to the bag so the receiver knows what the hell it means. Also avoid tying the string into the shape of a noose as was the case in my bag – especially if giving to someone with emotional difficulties!

Wishing you all contentment, warmth and embraces over the past few weeks. Let’s hold that young mum and baby in our hearts for a while.

Song to match the post: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Fpw7Z0Ncgg (Vashti Bunyan – Winter is Blue)